Pathetic.

Pathetic is a very strong word, I’m aware. But most of the time, I find myself describing my life with that word above any other. It might seem dramatic to most but believe me, it can feel exactly like that more than half the time.

I have a history with losing friends. I’ve never been able to keep them. It’s happened so many times over so many years that I’m convinced I’m the problem. I have no clue what it is I do but maybe I’m just not someone people want to stay friends with for long. Maybe I have this curse inside of me that prevents it from happening. Or maybe I’m just me, and that alone must disgust people.

If you were to ask me if I have any friends that I could call and they’d drop everything to see me, I’d say no.

I have five friends in total. Two of them are a grade below me and are always busy in some way, or maybe I just ask on the wrong days. Three are hours away, one of them in a whole different state. While another one of those three long distance friends are in my grade, it’s not like I can see her.

None of these people would drop everything for me if I asked for them even if they wanted to.

Do you agree that my life is pathetic? Not yet? Well, there’s more. Don’t you wait.

I have a boyfriend and have for six months. Surprise surprise, we’re long distance too. And even if I did want to count him as one of my friends, he’s not in my grade and couldn’t drop everything to see me. He’s a grade above me.

If you were to ask me if I have any friends in my grade that I physically see, I’d say no.

I’ve been finding myself thinking a lot about how alone I really am. Even with family and the friends I do have and my boyfriend, everyday I feel like I’m drifting away from everyone. Like maybe I’m just not meant for anyone.

Still don’t believe me that my life is pathetic?

I was born in NY, the state, and I’m still here. I haven’t left this state once or been away where close to it. I haven’t even been or lived anywhere two hours away from my birth city.

I am 14 years old and I’ll be 15 in November. It may seem, again, dramatic that a 14 year old thinks her life like this. But I have enough reasoning.

I have yet to be met with a life changing, incredible moment in my life that has constantly made me feel not alone.

Yes, I have a boyfriend. Who is almost two hours away.

Yes, I have five friends at least. Three who are long distance and two who aren’t even in my grade and don’t talk to me unless I post a pretty picture of myself.

So allow me to repeat my theory that has been proved for years to be true…

My life is pathetic.